My story is not about love finding a happy ending, it is more about giving me the life I live today and me finding eternal love. It is about me and a very dear friend who showed me life is all about what you make it and nothing else, without even knowing how deeply I loved him and wanted to be with him.
I always grew up knowing I was different, for me, the background which I grew up in allowed me absolute freedom to be comfortable about who I was. Unfortunately, the country we live in does not allow us that freedom of expression, hence for a guy like me I went through hell either way, the only solace I had was home. Every time I pray to god, I feel blessed to have the parents I did, who supported me through the times I felt confused and told me I was not alone.
I used to live on the 4th Floor of the same building where he lived on the 2nd. While growing up, I went to an all boys school and he was with me through school, but I was confused about why I was never interested in the girls my friends used to want to ask out, why the boy conversations they had never interested me, why I always used to want to be with him, kid dish things like sitting on the same bench, I would get angry if he would not sit with me on the same bench. I was a dumb kid who did not understand why I used to feel that way, honestly and I was getting frustrated every day because I did not know what was wrong. There was this once where my parents thought they would ask me, and tried, but I somehow couldn’t even explain as to why I was frustrated . As time went by and we had internet, I started seeing why I was confused, I started finding many others who were like me, had been through what I had been through and I started realizing there was nothing wrong with me at all, I realized what I felt for him was LOVE.
My dear friend although was not like I was, he was a macho jock type personality with a play boyish charm. I loved him since the time we spent growing up, watched him dating women, watched him marrying a fabulous person, all the while crying by myself, just hoping that although I cannot follow up on this and find out if this was even possible at least he is happy ( Yeah I know that sounds cliché, but it is true none the less ).
I started loving him more when I saw that ,as we started coming of age and started being more open and comfortable about who I was, the same people I grew up with started looking at me differently, many unfortunately started to maintain a distance from me, they would not invite me for any plans or share any ‘guy’ things about themselves with me.
It was a time in my life where I wanted to be a recluse, shut myself off from the world and bury myself in my own misery, but HE was the only reason I did not. This was the time which crafted my path for the rest of my life.
He never treated me any different, he would first call me for any plans made, I was his pillion rider for years on end with our little bike group that we had in our building , going on trips, drinking the same beer, sitting around the same camp fire, discussing his girlfriends, having the same fun. I was always the go to guy for him.
Although I never gave him an iota of an indication about how I felt for him, I felt selfless love from him. The innocent, selfless, comforting love that , for a person like me, was hard to come by.
Years passed, as our friendship went from strength to strength, so did my love for him. It was not infatuation, I genuinely fell in love with him. I could not even think of being with another guy, however, I was and to this day remain a coward. I sit an wonder whether if I ever gave him an idea about how I felt, would I lose what I already have with him? I decided I would never talk to him about it. Every day that he would meet a girl for marriage, he would call me to discuss how the meeting went, I would cry on the inside and laugh on the outside, but yet life was beautiful, I had my love close to me, the love who had absolutely no idea about how I felt, yet unknowingly gave me the most comforting feeling ever.
Then one day, he found some one. She was a lawyer at a high profile firm in Mumbai. I was the first person she met, even before his parents. They got married, I was actually the best man at their wedding. With every passing day, I was finding it hard to watch them go about their daily lives, I will be honest, I felt like dying inside every time I saw them. They were the happiest couple I had seen. I decided it was time to move away.
I got into a Fashion Design institute in another city, again a cliché, but it was of a lot of interest for me always hehe. After completing my course, I spent some time travelling to different countries and working there, finally to settle in the United States. Today I am a successful Fashion Designer in San Francisco.
Years have passed, as I reminisce about the years gone by, I think it was only because of the love I felt for him and the love he showed me unknowingly , that I was able to get to where I am today. I am in a relationship with an amazing man today, and can be very open about it where I am today.
Its like the saying , “ You laugh at me because I am different, I laugh at you because you are the same”.
Even though I never told him how I felt, I felt love which defined how my life will be, and I thought it deserved a mention . I hope wherever he is he is happy as we have lost touch.